B like…

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Someone once said that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Whoever said this must explain this to me over a cup of coffee…

I guess they were right. Some battles are meant to be fought alone. Not even a close friend for years can help you get through dark times like this. “DARK”, I quote. HAHAHA. I guess they can help you in some ways or another but ultimately you move on and come out stronger than ever because you love yourself enough to walk away from those people and feelings that no longer make you happy.

But, how many times do we really have to say goodbye before we finally let go? How many times do we really have to let these people break our heart and say we’ve had enough? How many signs do we have to look before we realize we are reading it all wrong from the very start?Questions on a cold Friday morning… Creepy. I am scared of myself. HAHAHA

Pain my friend and a cup of brewed/bitter coffee for breakfast…what a combination. It’s the first time that Mcdo crew forgot to give me a creamer/sugar. So timely.

So there I was, literally struck between just finishing my coffee and just savor whatever bitterness it has to offer and/or I could always ask for a creamer and a sugar. Someone up there is obviously trying to tell me something. 

Again, some battles are meant to be fought alone but I could always bring some props. 🙂 Do you   know what and who your props are? 

TGIF, friends! 🙂

 

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IT’s Thursday

I’ve got an hour today for some me-time. Lunch breaks used to mean sleeping time for me. I always make it to a point to eat a lot before the start of my shift so I can spare the lunch for sleeping. SLEEP has always been my favorite part of the night. 

But tonight, maybe in the next nights of my life as a BPO employee I will never have to sleep again during lunch breaks. It’s like a paradigm shift. All of a sudden my thoughts have changed. 

So here I am with my backpack and my sarong (Yes, i always bring my backpack with me even during office days), I positioned myself in the most comfortable place  spot in the grounds of IT Park. I have a bottle of water and a tumbler that has coffee..plus a tupperware of spaghetti (which was given by an office mate who is celebrating her birthday). Pulled up my blackberry from my bag..and my thoughts began to wonder.

It was the perfect date with myself except that there are no stars above and the moon is not out as well. It could have been the best night for reflection..Thought I’d camp under the stars and dance in the moonlight..

So why am I here? Why spend the lunch break alone on this spot? I don’t know. One thing that i realized lately is that I don’t have to know everything and I don’t have to be right about everything. I just have to be happy. And if I’ll be ask, if I am..I could answer with no hesitation…I am. 🙂

Things have been pretty good these past few days, thanks heavens! Life has been very good to me. I had my share of failures, sadness and betrayals but the happiness and the blessings I got outweigh all of those. 

I am thankful for all the great friends out there. For staying with me  even when i seem to be someone who’s hard  to get along with.

I am thankful for a family who has been very supportive despite me not helping them with all the household chores, for understanding my never ending complains about food, lighting inside the room and all the petty things inside the restroom. 

I am thankful for my job. For bringing out the best in me and for continuously satisfying me with my thirst for challenge filled with fun. For taking me back despite me fickle mindedness

I am thankful for all my enemies and those who continue to put me down secretly and publicly…for they make me realize and see the kind of person I don’t want myself to be. They make me realize that I could do so much better than that!

So the cars are just passing by, people come and go, some sit for a while then leave…These only remind me that life goes on. That we should move on. That it’s okay to stop for a while and take time to enjoy the view..That it’s never okay to dwell on the past… That there’s always something to look forward to everyday. You just have to be very attentive. 

 

So here i am, sitting in the most comfortable spot in the grounds of IT park with couples on a date in the corners, with a building on the background that’s still under construction and the flickering lights to complete the night…What else could I ask? 🙂

 

 

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The Tunay na Lalake Topic

There have been a lot of talks lately about men: their choices, looks, and especially their preferences. Gender preference to be exact. For someone who had been fooled by these men, I could say…I deserve a blog about them. HAHAHA, I do not mean to offend these men nor mock them, I just wanted to share my thoughts about them. Afterall, that is what I signed up for blogging.

One Sunday evening, I was with my gay friends strolling around the city to look for some nice place to hangout, this topic suddenly came up. Maybe because that night, the city seemed to be crowded with men. Two men waiting for a cab, two men walking together at 11PM along Escario, two men smiling at each other…The world has changed, I know. SO I came up with a starter, ‘Ang tunay na lalake…”

1. Ang tunay na lalake walang camera 360 ang phone.
2. Ang tunay na lalake di nag eedit ng settings sa FB.
3. Ang tunay na lalake nagsusunog ng kilay hindi nagkukulay ng kilay.
4. Ang tunay na lalake hindi nag uunfriend sa FB. (sssshhhhh, ako ray nakahibaw ani!)
5. Ang tunay na lalake walang selfie.
6. Ang tunay na lalake walang pera.(this is debatable according to my friends!)
7. Ang tunay na lalake hindi active sa FB.
8. Ang tunay na lalaki wala sa callcenter. (HAHAHAHA, I’d like a debate on this one)
9. Ang tunay na lalake hindi colorful ang briefs!
10. Ang tunay na lalake hindi moody!

A Life Lesson

Master your feelings. Manage your emotions. Conceal your intentions. I’ve been telling all these phrases to myself a lot more often now than before. I don’t know. Things change, people change. Something must have brought me into this whole new perspective now…I have always been known to be transparent about how I feel on most of the things.. You’ll know if I’m having a good day when you see me humming a song even if I cannot carry a tune. You’ll know I’m happy when you see me laughing with mouth wide open like I’m about to bite McDonald’s super burger! A not so close colleague back in my first job once posted on my FB wall about how she missed having me around in the office, the positivity that I instill into my work mates, the culture of happiness and openness that I create whenever I’m with a group and how I made her forget about all her problems at home even for a short while and just laugh with the present..

Nostalgic. That’s how I always describe it. To think of the good old days when all you wanna do is make others happy. When seeing someone smile is the best part of the day…When ending the day with a happy heart because you know that the day was never wasted because you’ve made a difference somehow with the people around you.. When you see yourself taking a pride with the work that you do…I loved what I do and I believed in what I do..and that has made all the difference during those days when I was too tired to get out of bed. I used to see the goodness in each person I meet in the hallway. I used to believe that someone could change, could improve and could be better. I used to believe that one day ill leave this place a lot better than I found it.

You see, those were all in the past tense. Those were the days. That was then. I woke up a lot of mornings since then and decided to be someone different than what and who I used to be. It’s hard being the one who always thinks on the positive side mainly because they think they can just tell you how fucked up they are about you, how screwed you are as a person and how pathetic you are at the moment.. and still take it positively — with no trace of bitterness or hatred.

One of the biggest regrets I’ve had in life is putting myself into a situation where I looked like an open wound. It was very humiliating. An embarrassing moment that torched my heart with so much pain and regrets. I doomed the day I let myself sat on that chair and talked to her. Her voice was calm but it is in calmness that you feel the impact of the words being thrown at you. Or it must have been the cold airconditioned room and the fact that other people are just on the next cubicle and they could hear what was discussed..Or maybe I’m just really like how I’ve always described it, open wound—fresh from the hard fought battle of meeting the metrics and exceeding the performance.. And because I had an open wound or I was an open wound — all the salty words and sour comments that came out of her mouth hit me like it was a gun on my head. Bullseye!!

It was the most painful part of one’s career. Being questioned on what you do by someone you’re not even directly reporting to and points out to you all your flaws as a person and as a career woman. That just ripped me off. For someone who had always believed in her work and it’s contribution… I couldn’t help it. This whole confrontation thing is completely knocking me off balance. I’ve never been into situation like this. I’ve always taken full responsibility of my work and I have always brought with me pride in what I do. So I cried. Not the teary eyed kind of cry.. But tears start falling from my eyes before I could hold them back. Lord only knows how much I tried not to cry infront of this woman..It was taking everything in me not to show a pinch of weakness. Yes I cried, like that of a kid being scolded by somebody else’s parents in front of her playmates.. Except that I’m not in the playground but I’m in a four cornered production floor with computers and phones and white walls and I don’t have my playmates surrounding me..instead I have my fellow career oriented folks’ ears and eyes silently listening and observing the entire conversation and some agents who look up to me at one point.

Maybe I did wrong which led to that conversation. I don’t know. It was part of me that has long been buried in the past..That I could no longer remember how it all happened. I have forgiven her after I got myself a good cry & a good sleep.. I have long forgiven her…but there’s one person I haven’t forgiven in a long time.. Myself. I hated myself for showing too much emotions, for not holding back those feelings… For being such a weak soul in this mad world of BPO.

That was so 2 years ago. There’s no use looking back.. Coz I was a different person then. Somehow I’ve managed to be better at handling my emotions over a period of time. And though I have successfully convinced myself that I have forgiven her, I know deep inside I haven’t completely moved on. And just out of nowhere, I am reminded of Morrie, ““It’s not just other people we need to forgive, we also need to forgive ourselves.”

It can happen in a flash..while you’re reading a good book or sipping your favorite coffee on a cold Sunday morning. Or while you were looking at some old photographs or listening to a country music played over the radio.. I guess, the best way to finally move on with a sad past is to just let it be.. Don’t force it..Just let it come naturally.

Today when I look back, I am thankful that happened. It taught me a life lesson. A Lesson that I won’t learn if I just sit there and think of a strategy on how to effectively manage my quota. Though I’ve left the company for more than a year now, I brought with me happy thoughts, countless memories, great friendships and good work ethics. And for me that has always been more than enough. ■

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Never Fall In Love With…

I’ve pretty much compiled all my Never fall in love with thoughts today..:) Just sharing!!!

Never fall in love with a call center agent,
he won’t let you sleep at night.
Never fall in love with a girl who loves coffee,
She’s hot & creamy..but dude, she’s bitter! Wee!

Never fall in love with a mountaineer,
He’ll leave with no trace.
Never fall in love with a girl who has a blackberry,
It takes a lot of patience & effort to finally understand her! 🙂

Never fall in love with an engineer,
He rebuild broken hearts, (daw!, hahaha)
Never fall in love with a girl who loves to wear skinny jeans,
She’s sexy and bitchy…but dude, it takes forever to get that jeans off! You’ll eventually lose interest! 😛

Never fall in love with a nurse,
They inject best. 😛
Never fall in love with an accountant,
A penny off causes her to lose her balance. 🙂

Anim na Araw na Pag-ibig

So how do you move on with someone you never had?

It was one beautiful morning of May when I first chance upon his face and I knew right there and then, he is the one. I don’t believe in love at first sight, I know that love doesn’t just happen in a flash…and it wasn’t love at first sight with him, I know. I’ve seen him somewhere, in my past, in my fantasies, in one of those silent night’s dreams. Seeing his face on that day was a dream come true. I wasn’t looking for love that day, that was something I was sure about but what I failed to realize is that it’s when you don’t look for it that love finds you. It was one of the happiest days of my life, set on a perfect place…

Well, he is a small town guy and I came from the big city. His accent was quite noticeable as well as my tendency to speak the foreign language most of the times. He only talks when he is being asked while I talk so that someone will ask. He rarely smiles but when he does, swear it could break hearts. He is a simple man with a simple job, enjoying the joys of simple living…My world is so much different from him, the city has made me into someone who loves to complicate things and to always talk fast, live fast, love fast and..learn fast. He takes his time while I make the time. He wasn’t my type at all. His job doesn’t require him to wear coat and tie, his feet aren’t that groomed and he has rough hands too by the way (I’ve always liked guys with good hands).. Either he doesn’t look well with his sense of fashion or I am just so accustomed to the guys I see in the office where dress up policy is followed. In short, he was the typical probinsyano guy who knows everyone he meets along the road, who doesn’t care if he is just wearing an old plain shirt when he has visitors from the big city to attend to..who doesn’t mind getting his feet muddy along the way..

But I like him. I like him even without all the expectations I’ve set for a guy. I like the way he ignores all my jokes, (either he doesn’t get the joke or he doesn’t find it funny…) (Which by the way, others laugh with it) I like how he tells me how great it is to witness nature’s beauty, to free myself sometime and get away from the crowded, stressful and fast paced city life and just be here in the arms of nature. (In his arms would have been much better! :P) I like how he thinks about nature and the world. I have always liked for my guy to talk about stock market, business and managerial strategies and the like. I have always looked for him in the faces of the people in the corporate world, guys who wear long sleeves and polo shirts, who wear eyeglasses. But above all, I like how he makes me feel about myself when he’s around. I would not elaborate more on that, words do no justice.(Charot!)

It was the day when I finally told myself, I’m ready to take that chance. I’ve been so hard on myself when it comes to relationships and I must say he is the first guy who, at first instance of meeting, has made myself think about ending up with him. I don’t care if we’re from different worlds and whether he is my type or not. It’s like that dress you wanted to wear so much, a dress that whether you looked for it or not..once you find it hanging in the corner, you know you’ll look good at it and it’ll fit you perfectly. That’s how I felt about him. And just like the dress, you don’t care about the price you have to pay, coz you know it would be worth it.

Things pretty much worked well that day, except that he hasn’t given me a hint at all. I mean, he is single and so am I..and so we are both singles (To emphasize talaga). Maybe I’m just thinking too fast. I know his full name after so many attempts. I finally had him tell me about his job, what course he has finished in college and his relationship. Well, it took a lot of courage for me to ask all of those, hahaha, after all the teasing and “you dare me” moments with my friends that day. Still, he doesnt/didnt show a pinch of interest at all towards me til the day ended, coz he could have asked for my number or he could have asked for my fuLl name so he could look me up on facebook…but he didn’t. So I went home that day with a happy heart because I’ve finally found him and I know where to find him. I also went home that day bothered with so many questions.

To make the long story short and so we could finally answer the first question on this article..he added me up on facebook two days after I met him. (I actually made a sign, that if he’ll add me up on FB he is the one) The second sign that I made was, if he will send me a PM in FB, it means he took one step closer and I’m not gonna let him go just go like that. I had to do the first step. And with first step I mean, I’ll make a move, I won’t just sit in the corner and wait for him to do something. And he did PM me. Don’t ask about what, that wasn’t part of the sign, so not important. HAHAHA. But before I could do something or tell him something, unexpected came up. He changed his profile picture, this time with a girl. I felt a pang in my heart. The “operation first move” was suspended, I had to reassess things, think it over and I have to think hard and fast. (Charot kaayu!)

But then again, before the “operation first move” resumes, he posted something in FB about finally finding the girl of his dreams…and there was a woman tagged in the post. Of course it wasn’t me, (Let’s all be realistic and not fictitiouos here, HAHAHA) To be honest, that ripped my heart. That ripped really hard. It’s when you’re finally ready to take your chance, you’re ready to compromise your world and you’re ready to pay any price it would cost you–all for happiness and, poooooff!, SORRY. Someone has already bought the dress and you could not have it because she’s not selling it because she likes it too and it fits her too. And you’re not jealous of the girl, you’re just too sad for yourself because it could have been the best thing for yourself, it could have made you better and life would be so much better with that dress. So you just back up. And you must back up. You just had to back up.

It wasn’t a love story for us. There was never an ‘us’ in the first place. It was me and him.

So I saw him again today which led me to the question “How do you move on with someone you never had?” As the movie the vow puts it, “How do you look at the one you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away?” I’ve heard from friends that he’s getting married. I’ve learned from his posts in Facebook about how inlove he is with a girl. I’ve heard a lot but I didn’t want to ask/confront him about that. Not that I’m afraid to hear the truth directly from him, but because why would I ask when we are not even friends? I mean being friends in Facebook doesn’t mean we are friends. I have a better definition of friend than facebook does.

It wasn’t the same feeling that I had when I first saw him. Seeing him today made me realize a lot of things, about him, about myself and about love. I’ve seen in his eyes that he is indeed inlove, not with me. I’ve seen how busy he is with his phone when we are together. You know those signs that he is just not into you. I know better when it comes to those signs. I’ve realized that I have to move on, that it’s over and that life could have been so much better if I was that girl. It was the day I’ve listened closely to my mind and my heart and for the first time, they’re both telling me the same thing, “Game Over”, “SOLD”..”MOVE ON”

It was the second time I’ve met him, same perfect place and a lot of things changed. I wanted to leave all of these memories here and forget about the day I had my heart ripped. I wanted put all these feelings behind me while I’m still at the top of the world. But I cannot, I’ve tried. So today, I’m moving on. I wanted to break free from the feelings that imprisoned me for how many days. I don’t want to think of him, but whenever he crosses my mind, I just tell myself, “sayang”. HAHAHA. I am not hoping anymore, that’s one thing I’m sure about now. I’ll just work on completely deleting all these feelings for him.

We have different ways of moving on. Others get themselves busy, while some engage in another relationship. Others cry a lot of nights until they ran out of tears and reasons why they are still crying, while some get themselves drunk. Others tend to shut out the world temporarily until they’re back stronger and better. I didn’t realize before what my way of moving on was because it was the first time I’ve ever loved a guy this much and the first heartbreak as well..Maybe I was the Cebuana version of Taylor Swift except that I don’t sing and I don’t work on a new album after breaking up with a guy. That was a joke — to all Taylor Swift fans out there, peace! 🙂

So how did I move on with someone I never had? I wrote about him, about our story and how our story ended. It was something like the novels you read or the short story you’ve read somewhere. Others have a happy ending while others don’t. For me, it’s not the end that’s important, it is your experience, what you’ve learned along the way and the happiness even for a short while. For someone like me who has read a lot of stories, ours was just one of those. Soon, you’ll forget but when time comes someone ask you about it you know you can tell or share with so much enthusiasm. You’ll remember the characters and the setting and the great lines..but the feelings aren’t felt anymore, they’re just being told. That’s how I viewed it and moved on with it. Our story or my story with him was just another story, written and forgotten along the way to give way to the new stories that are yet to be written and yet to be told.

Ang Payong.

Kahinumdom ko sa una, imo ko gihatagan og payong. Ingon ka dili ka ganahan nga magpauwan ko. Kahibalo man gud ka nga tapulan gyud ko mag-dala og payong. Hasulan ko. Bug-at sa bag. Kadaghan naman nahitabo nga magdala ko’g payong unya moundang og uwan. Pero, ingon man ka dili ka ganahan mabasa ko sa uwan kay masakit unya ko. Ug sa tanan, dili gyud ka ganahang masakit ko.Kahinumdom gyud kong mu-text ka nako sa una kung mouwan…”O, ayaw kalimti og dala imong payong ha…” Bisag dili pa ko ganahan, ako nalang dad-on. Ingon man ka. Patuo man ko nimo.Pilang uwana napud ko naprotektahan sa payong nga imong gihatag. Payter sad diay magdala no kay dili man diay grabe kahasul. Mas hasul ang mabasa. Labi nag layu-layo ka pag baktason.Pero sa pag-abot sa usa sa labing kusog nga bagyo diri sa amu-a, naguba ang payong nga imong gihatag. Kato pa gyung panahuna. Kato pa gyung grabe jud kaayo ang bagyo. Naghuwat kong makadawat og text gikan nimo na dili ko magpabasa…pero wala gyuy naabot.Nahuman nalang katong bagyo…wala gyud koy nadunggan nimo. Guba na ang payong nga imong gihatag uy, dili nimo pulihan? Niingon ka, palit nalang kog bag-o.In-ana ra kasayon. Ganahan baya ko ato. Kato gyud unta akong paborito sa tanan. Gikan gud to nimo. Pero ingon man ka, ilisan na to nako. Ako nang ilisan? Tinuod ka?Hinuon bisag ganahan pa ko nga kadto lang gihapon ang gamiton…guba naman. Wala gihapon pulos. Dili gihapon magamit.Hangtod karon, wala gihapon ko nakapalit og bag-o. Pero naanad naman sad ko nga musulong sa uwan. Wa paka naabot sa akong kinabuhi, in-ani na gyud ko. Anad mabasa. Anad mauwanan.Usahay makahuna-huna sad ko, mopalit nalang gyud kaha ko’g bag-o sa? Pero dili lang sa tingali…Unya na…Kinsa nasad kaha imong gipalitan og payong noh? Sigurado gyud ko nga dili gyud to siya mauwanan. Dili gyud to mabasa. Dili gyud to masakit.Sigurado gyud ko ana.Palihog kog ingon niya nga ampingan iyang payong ha? Lisod na og maguba sad pareho sa ako.Makatilaw unya siya sa bagyong natilawan nako.The first time I’ve read this was…10 years ago..Still gives me the shiver.

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